these3faithhopelove

Father’s Day reflection without my dad

In Love on June 16, 2013 at 1:05 pm

Long post- please bear with me as I get these feelings out. –Although I am thankful for my family, today is hard for me as I start to reflect on Father’s Day without my own dad. Life has not always been easy…being estranged from my dad for 14 years I missed a significant part of my adolescent and teenage life with him. I grew up not knowing what a father was or even supposed to be.Yet I know it was for the best with everything – I didn’t want that lifestyle he was leading to be a part of my life and I thank my mom for being the strong and brave woman she was to leave the horrible situation with absolutely nothing (barely any clothes other than those on our back) and not look back.
When everyone said he couldn’t change…he did.
At 21 I reconnected and found my dad and his side of the family (on a whim). It was rocky at first, but my dad realized the expectations I had and over the next several years we had built a great relationship. He met his granddaughter and loved her to pieces. His face would light up whenever she or I would come around. He met his son in law and loved him as his own…and thought he was a “cool dude”. To this day I can still see his smile…one that is infectious and makes everyone else light up.

My dad wasn’t perfect by any means, but he was still my dad. I remember my Aunt’s funeral, when my dad gave his life to Christ…it was one of the happiest moments of our lives. My dad wanted to change so bad- change from a lifestyle that tore our family apart. In some ways he did (stopped drinking and smoking and finally slowed down), in other ways there was so much bondage from decades of sex, drugs, smoking, drinking and so called friends that tried to keep pulling him back that a complete 180 would have required isolation in a way. But my dad knew me, he tried hard to shield his old life from me, would yell at any one who would smoke around me…even as an adult he tried to protect me.

At 29, I lost my dad. He was so very young and we were just getting started with our new life together. I had plans of having a 5yr anniversary celebration with me and the hubby and inviting my Dad. I know he would have had a good time. He was happy with the way my life turned out…I think he was pleased with the choices I made. He didn’t say it, but his smiles told it all.

Today dad, I miss you incredibly. I wish we had more time. As silent tears stream from my eyes uncontrollably I am thankful that we reconnected and i have happy memories of us. That I was able to see the better man you had become, that I can see how many good things I inherited from you (my personality,my smile, my sense of humor, your sweet loving and caring of people)
I know there was nothing I could have done to allow us more time…I cherished our last years together and look forward to seeing you in heaven.

I love you Daddy!
With all my love, Charmy

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